Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
