i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
