Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
