an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
