She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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