I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's shark week go big or go home
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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