Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had to cum in my sink.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
