I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
