Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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