my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
