God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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