just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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