I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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