This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
