I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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