You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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