I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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