college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
