Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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