Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
