You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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