I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
