Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
