I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
