I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
