Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize