apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
