i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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