Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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