12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
