Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize