Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize