this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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