Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize