I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
