need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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