Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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