I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
