i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
