The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
