Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
