I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
