my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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