Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
