Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need to align my fucking chakras
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
