I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
