you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
