I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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