Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
