Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Redeem this text for a blowjob
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
