Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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