i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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