I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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