I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
