One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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