you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize