tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
