why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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