I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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